new site...

i'm not back back

"when i go for a drive i like to pull off to the side
of the road, turn out the lights, get out, and look up at the sky
and i do this to remind me that i'm really really tiny
in the grand scheme of things and sometimes this terrifies me
but it's only really scary 'cause it makes me feel serene
in a way i never thought i'd be because i've never been
so grounded and so humbled and so one with everything
i am grounded, i am humbled, i am one with everything

rock and roll is fun but if you ever hear someone
say you are huge look at the moon, look at the stars, look at the sun
look at the ocean and the desert and the mountains and the sky
say i am just a speck of dust inside a giant's eye
i am just a speck of dust inside a giant's eye

when i saw geneviève i really liked it when she said
what she said about the giant and the lemmings on the cliff
she said "i like giants- especially girl giants. 'cause all girls feel
too big sometimes, regardless of their size"

when i go for a drive i like to pull off to the side
of the road and run and jump into the ocean in my clothes
and i'm smaller than a poppyseed inside a great big bowl
and the ocean is a giant that can swallow me whole
so i swim for all salvation and i swim to save my soul
but my soul is just a whisper trapped inside a tornado
so i flip to my back and i float and i sing
i am grounded, i am humbled, i am one with everything
i am grounded, i am humbled, i am one with everything

so i talked to geneviève and almost cried when she said
that the giant on the cliff wished that she was dead
and the lemmings on the cliff wished that they were dead
so the giant told the lemmings why they ought to live instead
and when she thought up all those reasons that they ought to live instead
it made her reconsider all the sad thoughts in her head
so thank you geneviève, 'cause you take what is in your head
and you make things that are so beautiful and share them with your friends

we all become important when we realize our goal
should be to figure out our role within the context of the whole
and yeah, rock and roll is fun but if you ever hear someone
say you are huge look at the moon, look at the stars, look at the sun
look at the ocean and the desert and the mountains and the sky
and say i am just a speck of dust inside a giant's eye
i am just a speck of dust inside a giant's eye
i am just a speck of dust inside a giant's eye
and i don't wanna make her cry

'cause i like giants. "

~Kimya Dawson

Currently Listening Show Your Bones By Yeah Yeah Yeahs see related

this will be my last entry for a while

Do to my work study period, in order to get paid you must have a physical.  Normally they don't bother me, but I'm so nervous they're going to say something about my weight.  I gained 10 pounds since the last time I was there.  And for the fact that I have two huge gashes on my inner thigh, hopefully I can just keep my legs closed...? lol

This complete slut sits behind me in one of my classes, why is she perfect?  Even though she's a slut, I am so embarrassed to walk in front of her or have her see my body, like today...when I thought I wasn't going to eat so Id feel somewhat thin so I could wear tight jeans and a tightly fitting shirt and straiten my hair, I really just wanted to throw my ed out and try and be "pretty" for myself.  Well I weigh 117.2....how could I possibly be pretty?

Every day is a constant binge, I tell myself I'm not hungry and then something else in my head (it's like a switch) that says, "you haven't eaten all day, of course you're hungry"...so I binge.  And I've been thinking all day as to where this all started.  I think all through middle school I focused so much on not being conceited and saying I was pretty or anything positive about myself because I didn't want people talking about me, but I think I've focused on that so much that this is what came out of it.  I don't know.

How long does cocaine stay in your body?

So Monday I'm going to see if the doctor scale matches up with my neighbors scale (where I weigh all the time because I walk her dog lol).  And I will lose weight.  If any of you honestly saw me in dance, you would think "wow that girls fat, she really can't dance".  I need COKE!  So I promise I will eat very little until Monday morning, and if I'm 117 now, I would like to be at least 112 by Wednesday because I have to perform my first Comp of the year. 

Take care everyone and will be back once I've lost enough weight. <3danielle

edit.

i think i'm going to start a new site and throw this one out, if you get a subscription from a name you don't know, it's me

i cut myself tonight, bad.  i haven't been like this in a long time.

i cannot control my intake, i just keep eating...things i would never eat.  i'm still 117.  it was so embarassing standing in the middle in the front line of my group today in ballet today, wearing only tights and a leo.  everyone can tell that i'm eating so much